WTF, Express?

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Saturday’s Sass:

Express, what the actual fuck were you thinking?

Before I get into this, I’d like to point out that this is not a fashion blog. That being said, the two subjects are related so there may be some overlap. I don’t make a point of seeking things like this to write about, but I couldn’t help myself when I saw what I saw.

Backstory: I recently decided that I would like to invest in a decent blazer at some point. I have a blazer but it isn’t sturdy and isn’t versatile. I opened a few browser tabs to get an idea of what is currently available from various retailers. The Express website, www.express.com, tosses you onto a landing page with some current promotional info and where you then choose if you want to shop Womens, Mens, Sale, etc. This is what I was greeted with when I clicked the, “Womens,” link:


Nopenopenope. On the left – let’s not try to pass off drawstring, elastic-waist pants worn with a crop top and stilettos as chic. Especially not when those pants have tapered legs and what really feels like an athletic stripe down the side. Protip: Contoured cheekbones do not make you stylish. Neither does simply standing in what appears to be New York City.

On the right – jumpsuits (that are not intended as an occupational uniform) are against my religion, and they should be against yours too because they flatter no one. They’re awkward on the model, and they’re ridiculous on people who do not resemble matchsticks. Can we talk about this? This specific jumpsuit is called their, “Strapless Track Pant Jumpsuit.” Hot damn, what’s more stylish than track pants? Obviously track pants with a shapeless, drapey tube top attached. Listen – I used to run competitively. Please run just 50 meters in that. Bonus points if you don’t ditch the heels. Let me know how it goes for you.

The, “About,” section of their website states the following:

Express is the must-have sexy, sophisticated fashion brand for work, the weekend, or going out. It’s what’s new and what’s now for young fashion-forward women and men.

Really? Interesting. For most people, work clothing =/= sexy. The above is neither sexy nor sophisticated. Fashion forward? Maybe – but things like this are why my eyebrow is raised near-perpetually when it comes to fashion. I swear the designers just run out of ideas every now and then and make things like this to troll people. Don’t be the guy that designs or buys this nonsense.

Until writing this final sentence, I never did check out their blazers – none of their inventory appeals to me…but I’d be lying if I said that nonsense above didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth. Keep trying, Express.

Worth it? Pantene Split-Fix

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I am the fortunate owner of a pretty awesome head of hair. It is long, healthy, generally cooperative, and free of processed-nonsense (color, perms, etc) that can cause it to be ornery. Although seasonal changes generally do not wreak much havoc on it, a couple months ago it started misbehaving. Split ends. Frizz. Breakage. Ridiculous tangles. Static. I hadn’t changed anything in my routine in terms of care, I hadn’t changed my diet, and I did not start heat-styling more often.

Like our skin, our hair changes as we age; I simply assumed my hair was experiencing such a change and was becoming more sensitive to the changes in humidity. My conditioner was doing a pretty good job (as far as I was concerned) and I deep-conditioned once weekly but in spite of my efforts, the situation continued to worsen. It was making me crazy; I like my hair low maintenance but because of the monstrous tangles I continued to get, I decided to toss another product in to help me out. Contrary to my usual obsessive pre-purchase research, I picked up a bottle of Pantene Split-Fix ($10 for 2 on Amazon + $3 off e-coupon, or $6 in drugstores) when I was out one day.

Pantene Split-Fix Front

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Olay Pro-X Advanced Cleansing System

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I developed an interest in taking care of my skin before I was particularly interested in makeup, hair, etc. I’ve had a routine for ages; it has changed over the years, and I periodically look for ways to improve it. After all, your skin does not indefinitely remain the same, so taking care of it should change along with it.

I heard about Clarisonic several years ago, but was astonished (and offended!) by the price tag. At that time, they did not have the Mia and Mia2 models, so it was somewhere in the neighborhood of $200-$250 … for a face brush. My mind was blown – bloggers who I felt were otherwise trustworthy sang its praises. I honestly thought they had lost their minds.

Olay Pro-X Advanced Cleansing System

Then, Olay came out with the Pro-X Advanced Cleansing System (always with the long product names…). Smaller than any Clarisonic on the market (still!) and at a much less frightening price-point ($30), I grew interested in it. Better cleansing than my hands can deliver? Gentle exfoliation? Hot damn! A friend picked one up before I did and expressed happiness with its performance so my interest was piqued.

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December 2013 Favorites

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December 2013 Favorites

December 2013 Favorites

1. Walgreens Dry-Touch Sunscreen Sheer, SPF 55, $10 / 2. Ponds Original Fresh Wet Cleansing Towelettes, $5 /
3. EOS Sphere Balm, Strawberry Sorbet, $3 / 4. bdellium tools 760, $8 / 5. Daisy by Marc Jacobs rollerball, $20

I am hopping on the, “Monthly Favorites,” bandwagon, and will try to post a handful of them each month. My December 2013 Favorites are listed after the jump.

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Skincare Basics

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Splash Rinsing. No one actually does this.

I wish there was a study or survey with data regarding average budgets or amounts allocated to beauty expenses. Unfortunately, it would never be accurate because we, as people, do not want to admit our own vanity. Or perhaps you’re willing to admit to it, but not to its extent.

Many people dole out for cosmetics to cover up and hide what they perceive to be imperfections. I would be willing to bet, however, that most spend more money on things to hide what they feel they need to rather than improve it. Skincare is neglected because, unlike slapping concealer on your face when you feel you need it, taking care of your skin is a daily effort. No amount of makeup is going to, “fix,” poorly cared-for skin – not even high end ones, don’t let the girl at the counter suggest that (be a skeptic!). Clean, well-cared for skin looks and feels better, ages better (who can argue with that?) and takes less effort to, “dress up,” if you will. I have also found that there is this thought that taking care of your skin = huge expense – not so. You don’t need to go drop cash at the Clinique counter or on Murad. My entire routine is readily available online, in various drugstores, and in mass merchants.

After the jump is a peek into my skincare basics and current routine. It isn’t costly, it isn’t very time consuming once you establish a routine. For reference, my skin is normal/combination T-Zone/non-sensitive.

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Beauty Arsenal

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The Basics

Everyone – whether they know it or not – has a group of favorite, staple, or go-to products. These things don’t necessarily apply to beauty, it could be anything – technology, of which I am also a fan, cleaning, etc. These don’t necessarily have to be products you use every day, but they will be ones you find yourself reaching for over and over again…and repurchasing when they’re out – these items comprise my Beauty Arsenal.

Here’s what I’m currently using that I have re-purchased or plan to – after the jump.

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